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I lost a few close friends recently, and I noticed that I didn't collapse into a heap on the floor and die instantly. Although I'm being a bit flip—which is a personality quirk that could potentially wear thin on my friends, I suppose—I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.
When I was a boy, a close relative used to punish me using silent treatments, so, for the longest time, similar situations would kick up a lot of pain and nervousness for me. If you had asked me 20 years ago, "What would be the worst thing you could imagine happening to one of your relationships?", I might have said that it would be someone getting angry because of something I said or did, that person not telling me what happened, and being cut out of her or his life.
Well, that happened...actually a few times in the past several years. And I've had so many mixed feelings about it that it's taken me all this time to settle my mind. And I know that not everyone has my history of being sensitive to silent-treatment threats of abandonment, but losing close friends is DIFFICULT for most people, so I thought I'd devote a posting to it.
To begin, if I had to summarize the two biggest impressions I had about losing my friends, I'd say: 1) They were jerks about the way they did it, and 2) They had GOOD REASONS not to want to be my friend anymore—I'm not as nice a guy as I used to think I was when I was younger.
So, what to make of these mixed feelings? Eventually, I used the title of that old 1970s self-help chestnut to guide my thinking: I'm OK, You're OK. I'm not as nice as I thought I was...and THAT'S OK. And, while we're on the topic, being as nice as possible—especially if it's being used as a way to ward off fear that people are going to abandon you if you don't—isn't the greatest good to me. At age 50, I have other priorities.
And THEY'RE OK, too. In at least one case, I was told by mutual friends that a remark I'd made that I'd intended to be a compliment came across as a criticism; my friend was irked that I was shooting from the hip, again, and he immediately reduced contact and eventually stopped responding to my outreach altogether. And that was a perfectly OK decision on his part. It's OK if he doesn't want to hang out with blunt people; it's OK if that event was the last straw for him. It doesn't make him "bad," and it doesn't make him "wrong." And, although the idea of having life-long friends is something that is appealing to most of us, it's not a necessity. Following from that, is such a severing of a relationship all that different from drifting apart over time or having circumstances such as moving to a different city contribute to the end of a friendship?
In summary, I asked myself, would I rather be resentful that my friendship didn't last a lifetime or should I treasure that it was terrific for 24 years? Instead of being a brat about what I didn't get, why not appreciate what I did get...because it was good. Very, very good, actually.
And, having moved to Baltimore in December of 2009, I was reminded that friends are plentiful. If you want more friends, you can make more friends. (If you want more money, you can make more money. If you want more love, you can make more love. And on and on.)
So...it's OK. And should I take on a personal project of being less blunt or avoiding shooting from the hip? Yes and no. On the one hand, in middle age, I am who I am, and maybe it would be cooler to let people gravitate toward me who "get me" and who enjoy me as I am. On the other hand, at a leisurely pace and when I feel like it, I enjoy learning and finding more effective ways of doing things.
It's just fascinating how an event that I feared since childhood could happen, and it turns out to be OK. And, at the risk of getting a little too Zen about it, maybe EVERYTHING'S OK. Know what I mean?
- Music:"Give me Love (Give me Peace On Earth)," George Harrison
I thought this was a wonderful visual showing the difference between how our minds normally wander around and that occupies our minds when we're doing mindfulness:
- Location:Front porch, at home, Baltimore
- Music:[none]
I often help my life coaching clients to understand the power of "point of view." When we encounter something in the world, our thoughts and emotions very rapidly form a kind of entrance ramp or approach to the situation. This approach is based on our past experiences, memories, beliefs, and so on.
Once we're locked into an approach, we're stuck with all sorts of other things that logically follow our approach. The approach comes along with notions of "right and "wrong"..."good" and bad." It also limits what we can perceive, what we can experience. It literally limits our choices of what we can or cannot do in the present situation. Our approach can greatly affect whether we are able to perform well or not, whether we are able to succeed or not.
So, given how limiting a point of view can be, it makes sense that it can be helpful in life to be intellectually flexible or nimble in your approach to life situations.
Now, I may have lost you at this point. And it's understandable, because language starts to fail when it tries to describe such a subconscious experience.
That's why I love the video developed by Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris. It gives you the experience of what it's like to be limited by your approach to a situation.
Before I give you a link for the video, I recommend viewing the video in full-screen mode, and then following the instructions very, very, VERY carefully. It's really important that you follow the instructions.
Click here to take the selective attention test.
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:"Nick of Time," Bonnie Rait
I'm reading this really wonderful young-adult literature book called Will Grayson, Will Grayson, by Green and Levithan. It's about two high-school-age boys with the same name and how their lives intersect in an interesting way.
One of the Will Graysons is a depressive cynic. Of course, he has a very, very low self esteem. He also doesn't have a lot of resiliency; when something goes wrong, it hits him so hard that he isn't sure that he can get up again.
After a really, really low-down bad thing happens to him, depressive Will Grayson talks with someone who's trying to comfort him. Toward the end of their talk, Will tries to push away the help offered by the other character, and there's this exchange:
[depressive Will Grayson]: you have no idea how wrong you are about me.
[helpful companion]: you have no idea how wrong you are about yourself.
You don't have to believe every thought that crosses your mind. A good "first step" in recovering self esteem and being more positive is "keeping the door cracked" to the possibility that all the negative stuff you think about yourself could be wrong.
- Location:At home (Baltimore)
- Mood:
tired - Music:[none]
A recent post of mine described the connection between what you are focusing on, how that makes you feel, and how well you are able to perform given what you're feeling.
It occurred to me today, that focusing on feeling offended can be extremely counterproductive...it can do more harm than good. It removes the focus from you having your happiest life, and it shifts the focus to being right, not wanting to be wrong, being judgmental, being controlling, seeking revenge, dwelling on the negative, whining, insisting on "justice," lacking compassion, and more.
As I say to my Life Coaching clients, you aren't responsible for what pops into your mind. However, you are responsible for what you do with it.
So, notice when you feel offended, and pay attention to what happened that led to feeling offended. Then, quickly shift focus away from feeling offended to what you need to do to get out of the situation as soon as possible. Refocus to getting yourself to a better, safer, more pleasant place. Protect yourself. Leave the perpetrators far behind, and do so without wishing them any ill will...you'll be too busy getting on with your happiest life!
Don't waste time (focusing on) being offended...just manage the situation.
Now, I can imagine some responding to this posting by saying, "That's easier said than done. It's not easy to do that."
"Easy" and "hard" come from whether you've made it a habit yet. If you practice shifting focus away from feeling offended, then, after the new behavior becomes a "habit," it will feel relatively easy. So, if you want this behavior to be easy, then practice, practice, practice! And working with a Life Coach who understands and practices skills like this would be a great idea...give me a call!
- Music:"Crawling from the Wreckage," Dave Edmunds, "Rockaway Beach," The Ramones
As I've mentioned before, many people have a mistaken impression that emotions swoop down on them from nowhere and that there is little they can do to feel better—they can only "ride it out."
One of the key skills that I teach as a Life Coach is understanding the power of focus in relation to how you feel, and how helpful it can be to change to a more helpful focus and hold onto that new point of view.
I found an interesting example of maintaining a helpful focus when reading a newspaper article about the University of Connecticut women's basketball team. It's March Madness, and the teams are at the "sweet 16" stage of the national tournament. UConn is trying to defend its national title while playing an unusually small number: 6 women. This means that all those who play have to do so without much of a rest break.
In the article, the freshman center, Stephanie Dolson, talked about a technique that her coach used in a close game with Notre Dame. With a little more than five minutes left in the game, Notre Dame had cut UConn's lead to 3 points. Stephanie is the only center among the 6 women played by the coach, so putting in a substitute for her was not an option, even though she was very, very tired.
Her coach said to Dolson, "You are not tired right now. Don't focus on it. Get your breath right now, and push through." I'm not crazy about the exact wording—avoid negative phrasing!—but I like the general approach.
Dolson scored 8 of the remaining 12 points by the team, and UConn won the game.
Now, of COURSE Dolson was tired at the end of that game. But notice that she didn't PLAY tired. If you focus on being tired, you act more tired. If you shift your focus away from tired and onto something that encourages you to stay active, then you act almost as if you aren't tired.
As I've mentioned before, when we're faced with a tough situation, we really have only two choices: quit and go do something else, or make the current situation more manageable. Stephanie could have literally walked off the floor, or she could have mentally given up. Instead, she found a way to refocus in a way that energized her, and she was able to hold that new focus for 5 more minutes. I'm sure that AFTER the game, she could refocus on feeling tired, get something to eat, soak, and rest up!
In the short run, you can refocus to get temporary relief from tough physical or emotional feelings. If you're sad, you can refocus in a way that turns down the sadness or offers a hopeful silver lining. If you're mad, you can refocus so that the situation feels just a bit irritating, instead. If you're feeling worried, you can refocus on the present moment or on things you can do to prevent anything bad from happening in the future.
For quick relief, refocus until you feel better, and HOLD that new focus.
- Location:At the office (Baltimore)
- Mood:
mellow - Music:"Way You Walk," Paps Fritas
I heard this quote on a talk show this morning while on vacation, and I laughed and instantly loved it. I don't know where the quote comes from.
I love plans, because they get us dreaming, motivated, and off the couch. Plans are irrelevant, because our paths affect us and direct our destinations more than our plans.
- Location:Fort Lauderdale, Florida
- Mood:
content - Music:Esperanza Spalding on the TV
When making decisions—everything from small decisions to very complicated ones—there comes a time when research and analyzing are over and it's time to do it or abandon the idea. When that time comes, I coach my clients to follow a kind of radical happiness model, which is a variation of: If it feels good, do it.
To know if the decision "feels good," I ask clients to check their gut and their heart—when talking about this, I hold my hand in the middle of my chest. I call this part of the body our "internal navigation system." It tells us if we are on the right track or not. If your gut and heart tell you to proceed, then take the first few steps.
When it's finally time to make that decision and begin acting on it, it's best to feel your way through it than to think your way through it.
Before you go thinking that I'm advocating empty hedonism—though my Life Coaching clients know that I often use this word jokingly—you have to consider my definition of "it feels good":
If you can't find a way to summon up enough enthusiasm to begin the activity, then wait until you can find a way of thinking about it that motivates you and makes you feel good, or abandon the idea. (One of the benefits of my Life Coaching approach is increasing your skill in being able to think about things differently as a way to boost motivation. I can help you to enhance your skills in that area.)
If doing the activity doesn't feel as good as you thought it would, experiment with changing what you're doing in the moment or abandon it. (Life Coaching provides strategic help and a good "sanity check" as you make your way through a longer-term project.)
If you can predict painful consequences that out weight any pleasure you might have gotten from doing it, don't do it. If you do the activity and you experience painful consequences that you never saw coming, then live and learn...don't do it again. (My Life Coaching approach can help you to predict painful consequences or plan a strategy for avoiding them in the future.)
If you're using your mindfulness skills and really paying attention to how you're feeling every step of the way, your heart and gut (your internal navigation system) will tell you if you're on the right track. And, again, if you're paying attention, you'll know when to change course. Repeat until it starts feeling good again.
- Location:At home (Baltimore)
- Mood:
silly - Music:"Back In The High Life Again," Warren Zevon
A month ago or so, I was putting stamps on holiday cards. I had my iPod playing, and, at first, it was fairly pleasant. At some point, it changed, and I noticed that I'd grown very irritated. I noticed that the whole thing was now feeling rushed, the stamps were getting harder to place in the upper-right corner, and I was making more mistakes.
The thought then crossed my mind, "Wait a minute! This is supposed to be enjoyable. Why is this feeling difficult and pissing me off?" I stopped what I was doing, stepped away from the cards, got some tea, took some deep breaths, and asked myself "Hey, what's really going on, here?"
Then, I thought back to what was running through my mind just before I noticed that I was feeling bad. I realized that I was doing that typical holiday-season thing of focusing too much on my "to do" list for the rest of the day instead of paying attention to what I was doing. I was thinking, "I need to move through this faster, so I can get to the six or seven other things I have to do" or "let me mentally rehearse how I'm going to organize and get through the rest of my day." In this divided, distracted state, I was misaddressing envelopes and misapplying stamps.
In other words, I was pressing.
Pressing is a particular kind of pushing. When we press, our minds are already on to future tasks, and we're pushing our current activity to move along faster so that we can get on with what's really concerning us. Notice the mind-body split...when we press, our minds and our bodies have different agendas, and it can feel as if they are moving in opposite directions. Pressing makes us bored, irritated, or frustrated with what we're currently doing, and it's an amazingly effective way to add a lot more stress to already busy, modern life.
I ended up making a deal with myself to put down my "to do" list and just focus on the envelopes, the music playing in the room, and the tea I was drinking. When I stopped pressing, I was actually able to move through the task at a fairly fast pace. When I encountered a problem, I was able to slow down and address it, instead of feeling put upon, forcing the issue, making more mistakes, and getting increasingly more agitated.
I know that some may read this post about feeling better while putting stamps on holiday cards and think, "Big deal!" Not very impressive. But there's a bigger picture to all of this. If you can mindfully monitor how you're feeling as the day progresses, you can notice and shift out of bad moods very, very rapidly. Practicing and becoming skilled at this not only helps you get out of bad moods, but it decreases the likelihood of you falling into them in the first place. It's a key part of living a deeply satisfying life.
- Location:At home (Baltimore)
- Mood:
groggy - Music:Prince, "If I Was Your Girlfriend"
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