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Labels seem to give satisfaction. We accept the category to which we are supposed to belong as a satisfying explanation of life.
—Jiddu Krishnamurti
* * *
I take a dialectic approach to labels.
On the one hand, they're very helpful. It's nice that we can move through life, dealing with categories instead of having to figure out each individual thing every time we encounter it. For example, it's nice to know what a "chair" is instead of acting like we've never seen one for every encounter. The category of "chair" is helpful!
On the other hand, a category does not explain everything interesting or useful about its members. For example, not all chairs are created equally. A chair may be a great one in which to eat dinner but a poor one when getting dental work or when the "sitter" is a baby.
I seem to recall a saying about labels being better suited for jars than people.... ;-)
This particular quote is intriguing, in that it's about how comforting-yet-limiting the labels are when we accept them about ourselves.
On the one hand, they're very helpful. It's nice that we can move through life, dealing with categories instead of having to figure out each individual thing every time we encounter it. For example, it's nice to know what a "chair" is instead of acting like we've never seen one for every encounter. The category of "chair" is helpful!
On the other hand, a category does not explain everything interesting or useful about its members. For example, not all chairs are created equally. A chair may be a great one in which to eat dinner but a poor one when getting dental work or when the "sitter" is a baby.
I seem to recall a saying about labels being better suited for jars than people.... ;-)
This particular quote is intriguing, in that it's about how comforting-yet-limiting the labels are when we accept them about ourselves.
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Music:"Danny's All Star Joint," Rickie Lee Jones; "I Know What Boys Like," Waitresses
Yesterday, I had a lengthy phone session with a client from the Boston area. A bit tired, but wanting some fresh air, I went outside to shovel snow in the street for the second time that day. They're predicting another significant storm for tomorrow, and I wanted to help make the street passable before it all froze over, turned to ice, and had more snow dumped on top of it.
Unexpectedly, the trip out my door and into the street for 45 minutes of shoveling turned into the highlight of my day. It was a "peak" moment. :-)
( Read more peace and joy being right outside my door... )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
touched - Music:"Smooth," Santana; "Video Killed the Radio Star," The Buggles
As many of you have heard, the mid Atlantic states got nailed by a huge snow storm this past weekend, and Baltimore got it's share—27" unofficially.
It was interesting being a 48-year veteran of winters and big snow storms in New England, and to see and hear the reactions of people who are not used to weather like this. The comments that got me to thinking the most were the ones like, "I'm bored!" and "I'm going stir crazy...I need to get out and see people"—after only two days of being in the house and restricted to their neighborhoods...these people don't know what cabin fever is! ;-)
Now, part of the difference between the way they were looking at our two-day dig-out is our different experience levels. But I think that another part of it is that we are used to...well...used to having our way. Usually, if we have the will to drive to the store, then we do it. If we plan a trip to a convention or a drive to a club, then we make it happen. If we expect a birthday weekend with a party and visitors, then we see no reason why it won't happen.
The GREAT part of modern life is that it enables us to have our way often and quickly. And the UNFORTUNATE part of modern life is that it makes us think that we should get our way all the time, quickly! ;-) There's another one of those dialectics!
A snow storm is a great exercise in getting ourselves out from under a self-absorbed, willful point of view and into a point of view where we line up behind something bigger and more powerful than ourselves. It reminds us that, just because we assume and plan does not make it reality. It helps us to practice being flexible. It helps us to slow down, which, in turn, helps us to quiet our minds, tap into our five senses, and connect with the present moment--which is a mindful state. Slowing down also helps us to get some perspective on how we run around on most days like chickens with our heads cut off...we don't need a lot of that activity, and we don't need to be constantly entertained—in fact, it's bad for our emotional and mental health. Also, a storm like this reminds us that it's OK to spend some time alone, some quiet time. It clarifies needs versus wants.
I should probably have said that the snow storm provides us with a great OPPORTUNITY to do all of those healthy things. Of course, if we willfully compare what's happening with what we WANTED to have happen, and if we focus on negative feelings like boredom, then we will have missed the opportunity the storm gave us. If we focus on what we wanted to have happen, then we can't possibly enjoy what IS happening.
You may think that the topic of this blog posting is nit picky and unimportant in the grand scheme of life. And you wouldn't be wrong. The main point that I'm making is that, if we fail to take advantage of all of these small opportunities to enjoy ourselves, then we miss out on having a happy life. The little moments add up to something really big and important.
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
awake - Music:"That Ole Devil Called Love," Allison Moyet; "Everybody Knows," Ryan Adams
We need the constant ebb and flow of wavelets of sensation, thought, perception, action, and emotion lapping the shores of our consciousness.
—Christoper Burney
* * *
Although Burney uses the term differently, "flow" is an important part of positive psychology and feeling good.
What I also like about this quote is the idea that we need a flow of all of these parts of conscious living. I think that's why having some kind of a meditative practice—like full meditation, yoga, chi gong, tai chi, or mindfulness—is important. In the US cultures, we're out of balance: we think, emote, and act, but leave little room for sensation and perception. A meditative practice evens things out and opens the door to those other ways of taking in information.
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
calm - Music:[none]
At the bottom of this post is a link to a thought provoking and helpful video from mindfulness and meditation master Thich Nhat Hanh. The point of view that he's advocating is an essential component of deep peace and happiness, in my opinion.
Also, this video takes on a spiritual tone, but I tend to be more of a nuts-and-bolts, scientific-research kind of guy. So, I'd translate one of his key points by saying this phrase which may be familiar to you from high school: "Nothing can be created or destroyed by ordinary chemical means." ;-)
That's the cool thing about "truth." Superficially, it might not be immediately clear that we're talking about the same thing, but we are.
Click here to listen to Thich Nhat Hanh.
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
listless - Music:"Sister Golden Hair," America; "Way You Walk," Papas Fritas
I just started to use Twitter, and I'm having some interesting adventures with it so far. It's still only been less than one week. But...INTERESTING!
While seeking out people to follow, I searched for people who had been talking about reaching goals, because I figured that that's a key part of Life Coaching. While reading a lot of these tweets, I felt concerned that people were focusing on reaching their goals in a very unhelpful way.
( Read more about understanding what's more important than goals... )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
energetic - Music:"Jean Genie," David Bowie; "Easy Money," Rickie Lee Jones
I was re-reading my previous blog posting about the dating paradox, and it made me think about the approach I see from most personal coaches. They're interested in packaging The 6 steps to dating nirvana!, and in selling you the workshop, hard-cover book, soft-cover book, follow-up workbook, website membership, DVD, and CD. And the mug, tee shirt, and ginsu knife. ;-)
I get that...I really do. We all need to make a living, and it's fun to build a successful business. Also, I've even seen this approach done REALLY well, and with GREAT and worthwhile content—for an example, check out Byron Katie's wonderful work. Notice how her work is about creating a helpful way to think things through that you can apply to ANYTHING, as opposed to some canned approach to reach a specific goal.
But I just can't get into the "packaging" thing...I guess I'll never be a guest on Oprah! ;-)
I'd rather guide and help a client as that person finds his or her own way. We use regular, one-hour meetings—in my office, on the phone, or over the Internet using video conferencing like Skype. We use email and phone calls for brief coaching tips and reminders. We use handouts and practice new ideas. We make your life your own personal project, and I'm your teammate who helps you to stay focused, to make sure it's still feeling GOOD and RIGHT to you every step of the way.
I know what's worked well for ME in my life. I've seen what's worked well in the lives of friends, family, and coworkers. I've learned a tremendous amount from helping hundreds of my clients to move their lives forward successfully. I've even got some "book learning" about it all. But, in the end, we all need to make our own way...YOU need to make YOUR own way.
I'm sorry, but no one can package up "the way to do it" and sell it to you. But, if you're up for it, you and I can DEFINITELY figure it out together and have fun doing it along the way.
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
happy - Music:"Dark Lady," Cher; "I Woke Up In Love This Morning," Partridge Family
Here's the modern dating paradox:
People don't want to date until they get a good sense that they're a good fit with the other person, AND...
The best way to know if you're a good fit with someone is to go on a date or two.
* * *
It explains what happens to the many people who don't date very much.
People today use online profiles—some with enormous compatibility surveys, month-long phone conversations, email exchanges, consulting their girlfriends, and more, trying to assure themselves that the date will be worth their while.
Well, dating is ALWAYS worth your while, even when it's a "bad" date. When done well, first dates—which I call "interviews"—can be brief, productive, fun, and safe. After some coaching, my clients can often tell if a person is ballpark compatible with just one 30-minute coffee date.
Like many things in life, dating is a skill; you need to practice it to get good at it, and it's more enjoyable when you're good at it. I help my clients to get good at it. :-)
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
groggy - Music:[none]
My colleague Ken Mattsson posted a thought provoking article in his blog about new year's resolutions, including links to other articles, all with helpful and interesting points of views. Check out his site!
After reading some of the material, I thought I'd do some thinking about new year's resolutions and other common tools for organizing and habit change.
As far as new year's resolutions go, I think I'm going to take a dialectic approach: the best way to reach your new year's resolutions is NOT to have any new year's resolutions. Want to reach them?...don't have them...don't have them...yet reach them. Doesn't sound possible, right?
If this intrigues you, read on....
( Read more about making change a routine habit )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood: calm
- Music:"Strawberry Letter 22," Brothers Johnson; "Riding Down the Canyon," Jack Elliott
Here's another older essay I found when I was redesigning and rewriting my Life Coaching website. It's the last of my archeological dig, I promise. ;-)
Spoiler Alert: For those who still care, it refers to details about the last episode of The Sopranos.
( Read more about "Nothing ever happens to me..." )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
good - Music:"Don't Dream It's Over," Crowded House; "Brass in Pocket," Pretenders
Late this past fall, my husband and I sold our house, I ramped down two freelance businesses, moved from Boston to Baltimore, began rebuilding my businesses, and began looking at properties...we'll be buying a house this spring, after we get to know the neighborhoods and the housing market here.
Stressful! If you look at that list of the most stressful events in life, I've been through two or three of them during this past year. However, even though I feel the pace from time to time, I haven't gotten a cold this winter, I'm in good shape, and I'm having a good time of things. A LOT of the credit goes to mindfulness.
This posting describes what it feels like when you get the BENEFITS of daily mindfulness practice over time.
( Read more about an example of mindfulness benefits... )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
mellow - Music:"Pendulum Swinger," Indigo Girls; "A Rock and Roll Fantasy," the Kinks
My recent move from Boston to Baltimore at the end of last November has been quite an experience. While getting set up in my new location—both personally and professionally—I've taken the opportunity to clean up the old before setting up the new. For example, I've redesigned and rewritten my Life Coaching website!
In the process of cleaning out all of the old files, I came across a set of tips that I posted on the website before I began blogging. The theme of these tips was helping people to manage their work lives. Given the painful upheaval in our economy during the past couple of years, many people are either out of work, working temporary jobs, considering career changes, or feeling very worried about their employment. Given the timeliness of the topic, I thought I'd re-post my tips for managing your work life here in the blog.
I hope you find them both helpful and interesting. Enjoy!
( Read more about managing your work life... )
- Location:At home in Baltimore
- Mood:
hungry - Music:"Forever" (George Harrison), "Heard it Through Grapevine" (Gladys Knight & Pips)
When something happens that triggers a strong negative emotion, it can be helpful sometimes to analyze why you are feeling the way you do. For example, if it's a complete mystery why the feeling is occurring or if there's something you need to learn so you can prevent being hurt in the future, then it can be very helpful to get some insight as to WHY!
This can be great, especially for young people, typically up through one's early thirties. But, for the rest of us, this is most frequently a fruitless exercise. We almost always KNOW why the feeling is coming up...no further insight needed. We know how to prevent the bad experience from happening again...and we may or may not be willing to put in the required work to change the habit. Endlessly analyzing our feelings provides us with the illusion that we're "working hard" to take care of our hurt feelings, when we're actually avoiding taking any kind of meaningful action. Not to mention that over analyzing can be a way emotionally to pour gasoline on a bonfire...WHOOOSHHHHH! There go the eyebrows! ;-) When we analyze, it can actually intensify the negative emotions instead of soothing them—we have good research that shows that this is particularly true for anger.
I was working with a client recently, and I mentioned that there is an advanced CBT method of "cutting yourself off at the path," replacing over analyzing with a healthier alternative. This intrigued her.
Now, this isn't the most elegant acronym in the world, instead of fruitless, painful, and compulsive overanalyzing about something that has long since passed, use LAR instead:
- (L)abel the emotion
- (A)ssure yourself that "everything's OK"
- Mindfully (R)efocus on what you're doing in the present moment and get active
( Read more about understanding how to use the LAR technique... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
hot - Music:[none]
Here's a great CBT based bumper sticker I saw this past week:
You don't have to believe everything you think.
- Location:Arlington, MA (office)
- Mood:
satisfied - Music:[none]
Here's a great quote I saw the other day:
All [people] should strive to learn before the day they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
--JamesThurber
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood: hot
- Music:"Everybody Dance," Paul McCartney, "Beautiful Boy," John Lennon
Just having taken my dogs for a walk, I saw a really good example of what happens when you get upset, panic, and speed up. Instead, it's really important to do the opposite: slow down, stop, breathe, relax, observe, and wait until your next course of action becomes clear.
( Read more about how important it is to stop, breathe! )
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood:
content - Music:Prince "Rock Hard in a Funky Place", Abba "Lay All Your Love on Me"
I will be doing a two-session relationship workshop for the Arlington, Massachusetts Center for Community Education in early April, 2009. The workshop will be based on the wonderful book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I'll be posting blog entries about relationships throughout the winter as way to get myself ready for the workshop.
I was thinking the other day that we have a wonderful expression in the gay-male community:
Be the man you want to marry.
What I love about it is that our U.S. culture places too much emphasis on "getting" the object of our desire, as if that is really possible short of kidnapping. Really, the only part of the equation that we can control is ourselves. To use an exaggerated example, if I am a non-athletic, grumpy couch potato, then what makes me think that it would be likely that an athletic, handsome, socially graceful, happy man would want to partner with me? A non-athletic, grumpy couch potato is actually a better match for me (and, for course, I won't be attracted to HIM! ;-) ).
This also works on another, very practical level. If I get myself up off the couch, get to the gym, join a hiking club, and begin to socialize, then I am literally putting myself in places and social circles where the object of my affection is likely to be hanging out. That athletic, handsome, socially graceful, happy man will not be hanging out on my couch.
So, live well, nurture yourself (which is a handy first step toward being able to nurture someone else in a relationship), develop your interests, and you'll be doing a great job at working your way toward your true love.
To translate this saying for opposite-gender couples, here it is:
Be the [man/woman] your true love would want to marry.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
lethargic - Music:Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach "The Long Division"
My last posting about beliefs presented a metaphor or story that you can use to remind yourself of the downside of beliefs, how they can blindfold you and prevent you from taking in new information. In that post, I mentioned that it can be helpful to keep the door cracked open in regard to all of your beliefs, reminding you there might be new, useful information about your beliefs that you have not yet encountered.
Here's a very simple technique you can use to keep that door open a crack, helping to fight against closed mindedness. When you discover that you were wrong about something—anything, no matter how trivial—playfully say:
It just goes to show how wrong I can be!
You can think it to yourself, or I invite you to consider saying it out loud among others (others can learn from your example). You can also apply this to a situation in which a couple or group discovers they were wrong, and you can alter the words like this:
It just goes to show how wrong ya can be!
Again, be lighthearted (and, in the second example, do NOT emphasize the word "you"...as in "It just goes to show how wrong YOU can be.") The whole point is to underscore that we all human and therefore fallible, none of us have all the answers, and that it's good for us to keep that in the forefront of our awareness as we go about living our lives, keeping our minds open. It should come across sounding like "it just goes to show how wrong [any of us] can be."
This is also a GREAT technique for perfectionists who want to practice letting go of their fear of being wrong or of performing poorly. It's OK to make a mistake...it's OK to be wrong. (For more information about how to think constructively about mistakes, see my post about the darts game metaphor.)
Thanks to my friend and colleague Dennis Young for introducing me to this helpful verbal reminder.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood: listless
- Music:Raul Malo "(I Love You) for Sentimental Reasons"
Given some of the problems that can happen as a result of holding strong beliefs, it can be helpful to have some tools that we can use to make sure that we are still able to take in new information about our beliefs.
The first bit of advice that I would offer would be simply to acknowledge gently from time to time—to yourself and to others—that there might be some new information out there that could alter your current beliefs. I refer to this as leaving the door open a crack, potentially enabling you to notice and then take in new information. Practice keeping an open mind about ALL of your beliefs. (My next posting will give a tip on one small way you can do this.)
A second bit of advice would be to take a dialectic approach. On the one hand, your beliefs are fine, should be respected, exist for good reasons, have good intentions behind them, and have worked well for you thus far in your life. On the other hand, your beliefs are limiting you and inhibiting you from learning and living a fuller life. Both points of view are true.
Now, resolving the paradox of this dialectic is too complex a topic for this post, but I'll try to help you to get started. Perhaps one way of bringing together these two notions that seem so opposite (beliefs are good/beliefs are bad) is to consider that, sometimes, beliefs start off working really well, but we fail to update, tweak, modify, and evolve these beliefs over time. In other words, maybe the original belief is partially right and served you very well at the time, but it's woefully incomplete and badly in need of an update. Think of it as a Belief Make-Over! ;-)
As a way to get in touch with how such incomplete beliefs can hamper our lives, I tell clients the story of the little boy who burned his hand on the stove. (I like to credit people who developed material that I present, but I can't remember where I learned this story. If you know where this story came from and would like to provide a credit, I welcome you to add a comment to do just that. Thanks!)
( Read more about the little boy who burned his hand on the stove... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
sick - Music:Neil Young "Only Love Can Break Your Heart", Pink "Dear Mr. President"
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