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When something happens that triggers a strong negative emotion, it can be helpful sometimes to analyze why you are feeling the way you do. For example, if it's a complete mystery why the feeling is occurring or if there's something you need to learn so you can prevent being hurt in the future, then it can be very helpful to get some insight as to WHY!
This can be great, especially for young people (up through one's late twenties). But, for the rest of us, this is most frequently a fruitless exercise. We almost always KNOW why the feeling is coming up...no further insight needed. We know how to prevent the bad experience from happening again...and we may or may not be willing to put in the required work to change the habit. Endlessly analyzing our feelings provides us with the illusion that we're "working hard" to take care of our hurt feelings, when we're actually avoiding taking any kind of meaningful action. Not to mention that over analyzing can be a way emotionally to pour gasoline on a bonfire...WHOOOSHHHHH! There go the eyebrows! ;-) When we analyze, it can actually intensify the negative emotions instead of soothing them (we have good research that shows that this is particularly true for anger).
I was working with a client recently, and I mentioned that there is an advanced CBT method of "cutting yourself off at the path," replacing over analyzing with a healthier alternative. This intrigued her.
Now, this isn't the most elegant acronym in the world, instead of fruitless, painful, and compulsive overanalyzing about something that has long since passed, use LAR instead:
- (L)abel the emotion
- (A)ssure yourself that "everything's OK"
- Mindfully (R)efocus on what you're doing in the present moment and get active
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
hot - Music:[none]
Here's a great CBT based bumper sticker I saw this past week:
You don't have to believe everything you think.
- Location:Arlington, MA (office)
- Mood:
satisfied - Music:[none]
Here's a great quote I saw the other day:
All [people] should strive to learn before the day they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
--JamesThurber
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood: hot
- Music:"Everybody Dance," Paul McCartney, "Beautiful Boy," John Lennon
Just having taken my dogs for a walk, I saw a really good example of what happens when you get upset, panic, and speed up. Instead, it's really important to do the opposite: slow down, stop, breathe, relax, observe, and wait until your next course of action becomes clear.
( Read more about how important it is to stop, breathe! )
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood:
content - Music:Prince "Rock Hard in a Funky Place", Abba "Lay All Your Love on Me"
I will be doing a two-session relationship workshop for the Arlington, Massachusetts Center for Community Education in early April, 2009. The workshop will be based on the wonderful book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I'll be posting blog entries about relationships throughout the winter as way to get myself ready for the workshop.
I was thinking the other day that we have a wonderful expression in the gay-male community:
Be the man you want to marry.
What I love about it is that our U.S. culture places too much emphasis on "getting" the object of our desire, as if that is really possible short of kidnapping. Really, the only part of the equation that we can control is ourselves. To use an exaggerated example, if I am a non-athletic, grumpy couch potato, then what makes me think that it would be likely that an athletic, handsome, socially graceful, happy man would want to partner with me? A non-athletic, grumpy couch potato is actually a better match for me (and, for course, I won't be attracted to HIM! ;-) ).
This also works on another, very practical level. If I get myself up off the couch, get to the gym, join a hiking club, and begin to socialize, then I am literally putting myself in places and social circles where the object of my affection is likely to be hanging out. That athletic, handsome, socially graceful, happy man will not be hanging out on my couch.
So, live well, nurture yourself (which is a handy first step toward being able to nurture someone else in a relationship), develop your interests, and you'll be doing a great job at working your way toward your true love.
To translate this saying for opposite-gender couples, here it is:
Be the [man/woman] your true love would want to marry.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
lethargic - Music:Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach "The Long Division"
My last posting about beliefs presented a metaphor or story that you can use to remind yourself of the downside of beliefs, how they can blindfold you and prevent you from taking in new information. In that post, I mentioned that it can be helpful to keep the door cracked open in regard to all of your beliefs, reminding you there might be new, useful information about your beliefs that you have not yet encountered.
Here's a very simple technique you can use to keep that door open a crack, helping to fight against closed mindedness. When you discover that you were wrong about something—anything, no matter how trivial—playfully say:
It just goes to show how wrong I can be!
You can think it to yourself, or I invite you to consider saying it out loud among others (others can learn from your example). You can also apply this to a situation in which a couple or group discovers they were wrong, and you can alter the words like this:
It just goes to show how wrong ya can be!
Again, be lighthearted (and, in the second example, do NOT emphasize the word "you"...as in "It just goes to show how wrong YOU can be.") The whole point is to underscore that we all human and therefore fallible, none of us have all the answers, and that it's good for us to keep that in the forefront of our awareness as we go about living our lives, keeping our minds open. It should come across sounding like "it just goes to show how wrong [any of us] can be."
This is also a GREAT technique for perfectionists who want to practice letting go of their fear of being wrong or of performing poorly. It's OK to make a mistake...it's OK to be wrong. (For more information about how to think constructively about mistakes, see my post about the darts game metaphor.)
Thanks to my friend and colleague Dennis Young for introducing me to this helpful verbal reminder.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
listless - Music:Raul Malo "(I Love You) for Sentimental Reasons"
Given some of the problems that can happen as a result of holding strong beliefs, it can be helpful to have some tools that we can use to make sure that we are still able to take in new information about our beliefs.
The first bit of advice that I would offer would be simply to acknowledge gently from time to time—to yourself and to others—that there might be some new information out there that could alter your current beliefs. I refer to this as leaving the door open a crack, potentially enabling you to notice and then take in new information. Practice keeping an open mind about ALL of your beliefs. (My next posting will give a tip on one small way you can do this.)
A second bit of advice would be to take a dialectic approach. On the one hand, your beliefs are fine, should be respected, exist for good reasons, have good intentions behind them, and have worked well for you thus far in your life. On the other hand, your beliefs are limiting you and inhibiting you from learning and living a fuller life. Both points of view are true.
Now, resolving the paradox of this dialectic is too complex a topic for this post, but I'll try to help you to get started. Perhaps one way of bringing together these two notions that seem so opposite (beliefs are good/beliefs are bad) is to consider that, sometimes, beliefs start off working really well, but we fail to update, tweak, modify, and evolve these beliefs over time. In other words, maybe the original belief is partially right and served you very well at the time, but it's woefully incomplete and badly in need of an update. Think of it as a Belief Make-Over! ;-)
As a way to get in touch with how such incomplete beliefs can hamper our lives, I tell clients the story of the little boy who burned his hand on the stove. (I like to credit people who developed material that I present, but I can't remember where I learned this story. If you know where this story came from and would like to provide a credit, I welcome you to add a comment to do just that. Thanks!)
( Read more about the little boy who burned his hand on the stove... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
sick - Music:Neil Young "Only Love Can Break Your Heart", Pink "Dear Mr. President"
For those of you whose happiness levels are boosted by seeing pictures of cute dogs, I added pictures of our Basenji dogs Q and Cole to a previous post.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
hungry - Music:[none...NPR]
Observing certain political movements during this past election cycle, I started thinking about beliefs. I also reflected upon my clients' beliefs. If I can identify my clients' beliefs and link them to ways in which they can reach their goals, then all is well. However, the vast majority of times (90%?!), my clients' beliefs make it harder for me to help them.
So, I thought I'd write a few blog postings about beliefs, starting with an overview of what constitutes a belief and how beliefs can be problematic to having a peaceful, smooth, and happy life.
( Read an overview of beliefs... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Jen Trynin "I Resign", No Doubt "Don't Speak"
I felt depressed the other day, and it lingered across a late evening and into the next morning. I thought I'd use this post to share an experience of mine involving the transformation of a mood. I also think that it's a great example of how everyone can benefit from emotion-transformation skills. I'm not exempt from bad moods, so it helps me to practice the same skills I teach to others.
( Read more about transforming a depressed mood... )
( Click here to see dog pictures... )
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood:
happy - Music:deSol "Letter from San Juan", Culture Club "Changing Every Day"
I will be doing a two-session relationship workshop for the Arlington, Massachusetts Center for Community Education in early April, 2009. The workshop will be based on the wonderful book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I'll be posting blog entries about relationships throughout the winter as way to get myself ready for the workshop.
While having dental work done the other day, I heard an interesting song lyric from a woman artist. Here is a snippet:
You ain't about to give it up for no one.
Gonna have to steal your love.
I don't need a knife, I don't need a gun.
I know how to steal your love,
I don't want your drugs, I don't want your money,
I just wanna steal your love.
I want you to squeeze me and call me honey,
I just wanna steal your love.
Gonna have to steal your love.
I don't need a knife, I don't need a gun.
I know how to steal your love,
I don't want your drugs, I don't want your money,
I just wanna steal your love.
I want you to squeeze me and call me honey,
I just wanna steal your love.
We'll put aside for a moment how pursuing a guy who's concerned about his drugs getting stolen could be unhealthy and problematic in a big way. Let's just focus on the relationship aspect of it....
On the one hand, I understand desire and wanting to pursue that person a little bit. On the other hand, as my friend and colleague Dennis Young said to me once, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? And, OK, I understand that the narrator imagines that the man will one day want her in the same way that she wants him. If he changes his mind, though, is that a temporary change or a permanent one? (There's another great song lyric, "If you don't love me now/You will NEVER love me again.") How long will she have to wait for him to come around? How many better candidates are falling by the wayside while she's preoccupied with this guy? And what does it say about the narrator that she doesn't feel confident enough to be able to go find another more compatible partner? Does she think that there is no one out there who would love her of his own volition without having to have that love "stolen" from him? Could she be more interested in the excitement and challenge of stealing love than actually having a workable, real, solid, long-term love? What do you want to bet that she dumps him after she "gets" him? The excitement of the challenge would be over, and she'd be facing regular, old life with a real man...not as exciting as the pursuit!
It frustrates me that our culture romanticizes poor partnering choices. Because there's nothing very romantic about incompatibility, forcing a relationship in a desperate attempt to feel good about yourself, domestic violence, drug addiction and enabling, and divorce.
[I swear to god that "Silly Love Songs" played on my iPod while I was finishing this post. Interesting coincidence/juxtaposition!]
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood:
groggy - Music:Indigo Girls, "Gone Again", Paul McCartney "Silly Love Songs"
Although feeling an emotion is never wrong, emotions can contribute to wrong conclusions and actions. When providing Life Consultation services to my clients, I've developed many techniques to work with this dialectic (emotions are never wrong, and sometimes emotions are wrong).
One of the most intriguing tools I use is comparing emotional mis-firings with a fire alarm going off in a building when there is no fire (a false alarm).
( Read more about how emotions can be like false alarms... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:[none]
I was working with a twenty-something client a few years ago, and he was talking about recent dates he had with a new girlfriend. This client had not yet had a long-term relationship and was sexually inexperienced. So, he was very excited about this promising new relationship, but also a little apprehensive.
At one point, he shared with me that he wanted to express how he felt about this woman with some respectful physical contact: for example, an arm around her shoulders at the movies. But, he said to me, he was very nervous and concerned with moving too fast and receiving a stark rejection as a result. (I think his exact description of his fear is that she might "smack him upside the head").
As part of my response, I rattled off many examples of slow, incremental physical contact that, when it generates smiles and perhaps a returned touch, signal that more physical contact (such as an arm around the shoulder) would be welcome. My first impression was, "This is easy!" Then, very soon afterward, that thought was followed by this one: "Wait a minute. I only know these techniques because of years of trial and error."
So the remainder of this post provides some tips for respectfully and gradually introducing physical contact with a romantic interest, and how to read responses to the physical contact.
( Read more about gradually increasing touch to show romantic interest... )
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood: hungry
- Music:The Who "Pinball Wizard," Janet Jackson "Miss You Much"
On the one hand, many things happened in my life that drew me away from writing here in my blog. I had some interpersonal interactions in August that made me pull back and re-evaluate some of my own personal growth initiatives (I'll write about this soon), I was laid off from my computer job effective end of October, I've been painting porches and renovating rooms (my current task is the messy process of stripping paint from a door...blech!), my husband had a kidney stone that required jumping through hoops for a few months before surgery helped him, I'm trying to get a freelance web-design gig off the ground, and we just got two new dogs (check out the Besenjis named Coal and Q by clicking here).
When we first got Coal and Q, my husband and I were focused on how stressful it must be for the little guys to get uprooted from their home and to enter into a strange place with strange people. Soon, I figured out that it was stressful on their OWNERS, too! ;-)
Anyhoo, I missed writing here. These postings help me to focus, learn, and work through issues that inform my Life Consultation and aid me in being more helpful for my clients. I hope you readers find them fun, interesting, and useful, too.
I'm back.
- Location:At home (Medford, MA)
- Mood:
calm - Music:Julianna Hatfield "My Baby Doesn't Love Me Anymore," Beastie Boys "Sabotage"
Speaking of dialectics.... ;-)
I'll use this posting to reflect on just having been laid off from my computer job (effective at the end of October) and how it felt since 1999 to be a part of a small group of people trying to build a company...and how it didn't quite work out the way we anticipated.
( Read more about how goals are important and unimportant... )
- Location:Maynard, MA (at my computer job)
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Warren Zevon "The Hockey Song"
As I was driving to work this morning, this dialectic approach to loving relationships occurred to me:
- Don't let focusing on yourself do damage to your relationship, AND...
- Don't let focusing on your relationship do damage to you as an individual.
Also, as I work with clients in regard to relationship issues, the more impressed I am with the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Women and fear, men and shame!
- Location:Maynard, MA (at my computer job)
- Mood: calm
- Music:Beastie Boys "You've Got to Fight for Your Right to Party"
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'd been helping my husband David with a minor-but-painful-and-prolonged medical problem. I felt that I'd been managing the stress fairly well, using mindfulness skills and keeping my thinking positive and anchored in "what's something positive and practical that I can be doing right now." So, yes, there was stress, but I was managing it.
Then, on Monday night, I came home and saw the news that Congress didn't pass the economic-recovery bill. Now, it's not often that the news gets to me; I generally follow that tip I gave about turning off TV news. But there was just something about how hard they had been working through the weekend, the additions to the bill about limiting golden parachutes and getting some potential profits for the tax payers should these firms rebound, and just a general sense that we needed to get credit flowing again to protect small businesses and our 401K's. In other words, I was literally shocked. It got to me. (Being vulnerable from my family stress probably set me up for it.)
Regardless of your politics and how you feel about this particular bill, I tell you this part of the story only so that you can understand what led to me feeling extra stressed out. And, in response to this stress, I distracted myself with playing on the computer. Observing myself do this for one evening, I learned why distraction is such a limited tool in managing stress.
( Read more about the limits of distraction to reduce stress... )
- Location:Medford, MA (at home)
- Mood:
peaceful - Music:Jeff Healy Band, "Stuck in the Middle with You", Blondie "Hanging on Telephone"
My life took an interesting turn last week, causing me to rearrange my priorities very quickly. When my husband's struggle with a painful-but-minor health issue required some emergency care last week, I postponed half a day's work at my computer job, one Life Consultation meeting, and a full day's worth of work that I was going to do for a new business venture I'm starting.
The first thing that occurred to me was the difference between my emotional approach to my work and its actual importance in my life. In other words, when I'm in the middle of a busy week, trying to complete items on my to-do list, these tasks feel very, VERY important. So important that I make myself feel as if there would be "dire consequences" if they didn't get done yesterday. ;-) I'm exaggerating slightly, but you know what I mean.
Then, when I needed to postpone these activities to be with my husband, it really wasn't that hard, no one argued with me about the decision I made, and there were no negative consequences for having postponed my professional life for approximately a day and a half. I noticed this particularly when, after being with David on Thursday afternoon and much of Friday, I returned to my Life Consultation office to do some work. Within three hours, I was able to return some phone calls, do some paper work, and meet with two clients. In a very short amount of time, I felt that I was reasonably caught up on the important tasks, and the lesser tasks could easily be postponed until early next week.
The whole experience just made me wonder what it would be like to carry this Lesson in Priorities back with me into my regular routine. I'd rather maintain this pleasant perspective on work that I have now, rather than return to the "This is all soooo IMPORTANT!" emotional approach to daily work. To use a dialectic, I enjoy working on projects that feel important (compelling) to me; at the same time, they aren't IMPORTANT!
- Location:Arlington, MA (my office)
- Mood: content
- Music:Gnarls Barkley, "The Odd Couple"
As a Life Consultant, I help people to transform feelings of anxiety. When I succeed at helping them to turn the emotion down slightly, my clients report feeling "concerned" instead of anxious. When we're wildly successful in our work together, they report a transformation to something such as "peace of mind."
And there is a fairly broad continuum of anxiety. On the lower end, you can find the every-day types of "stress" that people experience. Toward the middle, there would be what we call generalized anxiety ("worry warts"). Toward the more intense end of the continuum, you'd find the conditions that are diagnosable, such as panic disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
However, there are some common habits of people all along the anxiety continuum. I thought I would use this post to talk about "future thinking." The worst enemies of people struggling with all kinds of stress and anxiety should know that their worst enemy is the phrase "What if...?" It's those two words that often introduce a line of thinking that involves things like anticipating bad things happening, having imaginary conversations with people as a way to "rehearse," trying to create plans to counter your imagined bad turns of events, trying to solve problems before they happen...and, well...just plain old WORRYING.
A little bit of this behavior is good. For example, if you anticipate having a difficult conversation with your boss, then a reasonable amount of mental rehearsal can be informative and soothing. However, remember that we have an infinite ability to conjure difficulties, problems, and disasters. So, "past a certain point" and the future thinking becomes counter productive.
When working with stressed and anxious clients, I try to emphasize the importance of slowing down their experiencing and calming down. I also attempt to convince them that future thinking that has become unhelpful is an attempt to "live life ahead of time." I remind people that many aspects of life are way too complex to understand, plan for, and "script" ahead of time. I try to convince them to let life instruct them about what they need to do in the moment (not ahead of time). So, being calm and relaxed going into a situation is FAR MORE effective than trying to "work it all out ahead of time" (which is often impossible, anyway).
The rest of this post uses my experience learning how to be a better batter at softball to illustrate this point. Those of you who don't understand baseball or who don't like it might want to skip the rest of this post.
( Read more about how hitting a softball taught me to relax in the moment... )
- Location:Arlington, MA (my office)
- Mood:
tired - Music:Nirvana, "Come as You Are," Jeff Healy Band, "Stuck in the Middle with You"
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