Tip...
One of my favorite movie quotes comes from the baseball film Bull Durham. In one scene, Crash Davis is trying to work out of his batting slump by practicing. At one point, Annie Savoy steps up to the plate, and explains that hitting a baseball—which is often described as one of the most difficult things to do in professional sports—is actually simple: "It's like good sex. You just have to relax and concentrate."
In our modern U.S.A. culture, we're often all about concentrating. Unfortunately, we tend to concentrate on negativity, potential problems in the future, multiple things at one time, and on pursuing fleeting pleasures instead of longer lasting gratitudes and satisfactions. And I don't have to remind you about how stressed out a lot of us are.
I recommend that we bring the relax part back into the equation, and that we concentrate on whatever one thing we're doing in a given moment. And, recently, one of the ways I've been helping clients to re-think their approach to their lives is to suggest that they take a "playing darts" approach.
More about the playing darts approach to life...
Consider beginning to learn how to play darts. For example, it's often played in pubs, clubs, or home basements. It's a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Yes, the goal is to try to hit the bullseye right in the middle of the dart board, but no one expects to hit the bullseye the first time. Actually, people laugh, joke, and have a good time, even if the toss is way off target.
Next, consider exactly what you do when you begin to learn to play darts. You toss the dart at the board, and you're very relaxed and accepting of the notion that you are highly likely to miss the bullseye, even though that's what you're trying to do. When the dart lands, it gives you information about how you did. Say, for example, the dart landed low and to the right. So, you accept the information, you use it, and you adjust what you are doing so that your next toss does not land in the same place: "I need to toss the dart higher and to the left." You repeat these steps, calmly and acceptingly, taking in the information and adjusting at you go, resulting in tosses that land closer and closer to the bullseye. That's how it goes, right?
Now, here's an interesting angle on playing darts. Dare I say it, but some people don't even care if they get closer to the bullseye. They are very content just to enjoy every toss of the dart without regard to improving. They just like being out with their friends, having a drink, and having some fun. They are enjoying the process without any particular interest in the outcome of the game. Others take pleasure in building skill, so they are more interested in improving their game, learning from each previous toss. And some people enjoy both approaches.
Now, let's imagine for a second that we played darts in the same way that many of us do our careers, friendships, business transactions, car and house purchases, love lives, and so on. In other words, how we do real life. Imagine someone tossing the dart, it lands outside of the bullseye, and the person throws a temper tantrum, because it should have landed in the bullseye!!! Push the scenario a little further, and imagine the person refusing to yield the game to others, hogging it to herself, because she must continue until she does it right. Or imagine that person staying up all night trying to perfect her dart toss, because she isn't going to embarrass herself with another poor performance. Or quitting the game and never playing again, because it's too painful a reminder to him about what a loser he really is. Or thinking that, because he didn't get what he wanted from this game, all sports are bound to be bitter disappointments, so what's the use in playing ANY sport. ("There just aren't any good dart boards out there!") Or placing so much importance on winning the darts game that she sabotages other people when it is their turn to throw the darts.
Of course, when it comes to darts, everything that I just described would be considered extreme and stupid. Those approaches would obviously strip all of the fun out of the game. But, unfortunately, that's exactly the set of approaches many of us take toward many aspects of our lives.
So, let's all take Annie Savoy's advice and relax about and concentrate on what we're doing in any given moment. If, in your relationship or career, the dart lands a little to the left or right, accept it, learn from it, adjust, and have fun along the way. And let's keep an eye on those crazy-like-a-fox people who are missing the whole dart board, laughing like darn fools, and having a great time. Isn't it interesting how trying to hit the bullseye is an important part of the process, but whether or not you ever hit it can be irrelevant.
[He may not remember it, but I was first introduced to the "playing darts" metaphor during a discussion with Dennis Young, Guide and Counselor extraordinaire from Arlington, MA. Thanks, Dennis!]
Consider beginning to learn how to play darts. For example, it's often played in pubs, clubs, or home basements. It's a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Yes, the goal is to try to hit the bullseye right in the middle of the dart board, but no one expects to hit the bullseye the first time. Actually, people laugh, joke, and have a good time, even if the toss is way off target.
Next, consider exactly what you do when you begin to learn to play darts. You toss the dart at the board, and you're very relaxed and accepting of the notion that you are highly likely to miss the bullseye, even though that's what you're trying to do. When the dart lands, it gives you information about how you did. Say, for example, the dart landed low and to the right. So, you accept the information, you use it, and you adjust what you are doing so that your next toss does not land in the same place: "I need to toss the dart higher and to the left." You repeat these steps, calmly and acceptingly, taking in the information and adjusting at you go, resulting in tosses that land closer and closer to the bullseye. That's how it goes, right?
Now, here's an interesting angle on playing darts. Dare I say it, but some people don't even care if they get closer to the bullseye. They are very content just to enjoy every toss of the dart without regard to improving. They just like being out with their friends, having a drink, and having some fun. They are enjoying the process without any particular interest in the outcome of the game. Others take pleasure in building skill, so they are more interested in improving their game, learning from each previous toss. And some people enjoy both approaches.
Now, let's imagine for a second that we played darts in the same way that many of us do our careers, friendships, business transactions, car and house purchases, love lives, and so on. In other words, how we do real life. Imagine someone tossing the dart, it lands outside of the bullseye, and the person throws a temper tantrum, because it should have landed in the bullseye!!! Push the scenario a little further, and imagine the person refusing to yield the game to others, hogging it to herself, because she must continue until she does it right. Or imagine that person staying up all night trying to perfect her dart toss, because she isn't going to embarrass herself with another poor performance. Or quitting the game and never playing again, because it's too painful a reminder to him about what a loser he really is. Or thinking that, because he didn't get what he wanted from this game, all sports are bound to be bitter disappointments, so what's the use in playing ANY sport. ("There just aren't any good dart boards out there!") Or placing so much importance on winning the darts game that she sabotages other people when it is their turn to throw the darts.
Of course, when it comes to darts, everything that I just described would be considered extreme and stupid. Those approaches would obviously strip all of the fun out of the game. But, unfortunately, that's exactly the set of approaches many of us take toward many aspects of our lives.
So, let's all take Annie Savoy's advice and relax about and concentrate on what we're doing in any given moment. If, in your relationship or career, the dart lands a little to the left or right, accept it, learn from it, adjust, and have fun along the way. And let's keep an eye on those crazy-like-a-fox people who are missing the whole dart board, laughing like darn fools, and having a great time. Isn't it interesting how trying to hit the bullseye is an important part of the process, but whether or not you ever hit it can be irrelevant.
[He may not remember it, but I was first introduced to the "playing darts" metaphor during a discussion with Dennis Young, Guide and Counselor extraordinaire from Arlington, MA. Thanks, Dennis!]
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